I haven’t been very active on the Facebook page The Atheist Nurse on Facebook or here on the blog for the last 7-8 months. Life
happens. Things happen. I’m still very much here, but searching for balance.
Most of us go through a sort of process when we deconvert. Those
of us with evangelical backgrounds seem to be “wrecked” a bit more than most.
When I awakened and began my deconversion, my family was “concerned.”
Eventually that gave way to being tossed aside like yesterday’s news. It was a
long time coming, but that didn’t make it any easier. Suddenly I found myself
in the throes of transitioning from one extreme to another (evangelical to
atheism) while simultaneously being abandoned by my entire support system. I
was torn apart inside. It was the most emotionally painful experience I could
have imagined. I lashed out…and continued to lash out for many years. That was
the beginning of this page.
The Facebook page brought me an audience and new found
support. It helped me regain footing, but it also fueled the fire of hate that
burned inside me. At the time, I needed that. It was the only way I knew to
express myself and to begin recovery --- but I began to be consumed by all of
it. The hate began to consume me much more so than it ever had before.
After 9 years of being euthyroid, I ended up in the hospital
with my thyroid in hard overdrive again…on the verge of a second thyroid storm.
I almost didn’t survive the first one in 2004. I laid in the hospital bed and
realized something had to give. I was hurting inside, filled with hate and rage
and being fueled by the very thing (Facebook) that was intended to help me
heal.
My wife and 6 year old son walked into my hospital room with
smiles. My wife was genuinely happy to see me and my 6 year old was beaming,
happy to be able to see his daddy. That’s when it occurred to me I’d been
focusing all my energy in the wrong places. The answer was standing right in
front of me. I took some time away from the Facebook page and the Blogspot. I desperately
needed to gain perspective and work on finding a balance.
Now, 8 months later, a good deal has changed. I’ve let go of
a lot of the hate. I’ve met and talked with my mother and have had a small bit
of contact with her. My father chooses to keep his distance, and that’s fine. It’s
better that way, and there is just too much that he needs to clear up before I
could have any real interaction with him --- and he’s not really emotionally
capable of doing what would be necessary. But I’ve been able to let go of a lot
of the hate that centered around him and that’s good. Or maybe I’ve refocused
the hate and diverted all that energy toward more positive things.
Being fueled by hate and anger is like being fueled by an anaerobic
system. It only lasts so long and eventually you’re left with the nasty
byproducts of an inefficient and self-limiting process for energy production.
My view of people and the world has taken a much needed turn; it was destined
to happen at some point. I’ll be discussing some of that in days to come.
So here I am. I’m returning. But I’m doing so while searching for a clearer
focus. I’m doing so with a different perspective. We’ll just see where it
goes from here…
